This past month and a half or so has been life changing for me. After opening up to the world about my childhood story the end result has been life changing. I can surely say that the path of discovery on which I was lead was sometimes confusing and extremely hard to balance as I looked within myself and saw the outer results play out fantastically.
I have been on a path of awakening since 2005, for ten years have been seeing how I was disconnected from my true nature as a Goddess. I didn’t even know what a Goddess was and there isn’t very much true information out there if you were looking for the answers outside yourself.
The Goddess lives in every man and woman. The Goddess energy is what the world is coming back to. I will explain that whole concept in future posts and videos, but for now, just know that I found it. What I had been searching for all this long while.
This latest discovery was triggered by a deep longing within me. Things under the surface that again were there left unhealed, there was more I wanted to be. I knew what those things were, but was perplexed at why they hadn’t manifested as of yet. I am not new to this power of creation and knowing that I am the magical creator of everything in my life. The Goddess, that was me deep down, still hid at times, or so it seemed. She would come out every so often only to go back and hide again.
After the video where I came out with the truth (as I thought I knew it) I had felt more free and the response from others was amazing as I could sense that people wanted to allow themselves to express their unresolved pain from the past and get it out. This is so amazing, people coming out and being honest about their pain.
It is this unhealed pain, or the story of the pain that resides under the surface of us all and allows us to act in ways that are spontaneously unkind, or creates self sabotage. So coming out and sharing it is of course one of the most beneficial things someone can do. If you can’t go on YouTube and express it then it is helpful to do some form of emotional healing work or talk with a qualified counselor.
I had been trying to get the root of where all of my past suffering had stemmed from and this was the last final bit, sharing my truth in an open way and being received by those that understood me.
That wasn’t the final gift though. That was not what made me claim my Goddess nature. Of course this was the stepping stone to the eventual reclaiming of my divine nature, but the real blessing was in how my mother reacted to seeing it.
I hadn’t even known that my mother had watched my videos, she has always seemed to be rather aloof around me, feeling somewhat distant and cold. She would visit with my sisters and go shopping with them or go out to lunch, but never call or come over to see if I wanted to go and surely I did, I loved my mother dearly. Or so I thought.
Turns out my mother watched my video and responded by telling me that I had lied. What a shock to my ego. As I remembered every aspect of my story in perfect detail. I felt horrified. I felt an even greater sense of disconnection and sadness. How come my mother could never be with me and at the very least acknowledge that I was in pain from what had happened?
As I recounted what I had said in the video about my pain, it seemed that I was being kind, not blaming and being understanding, knowing that we all carry this pain and it’s no one’s fault.
So what did I do? I completely shut down. I blocked everyone. I deleted everyone of my phone contacts except for my kids, I blocked all the members of my family, I didn’t want to talk to my friends. I went deep within my soul to find the answers.
It was painful, holding the all that trauma, being in the past and remembering what was done and the injustice of it all. Not only that, but I had subconsciously still been living it in as it obviously was still affecting me greatly and had been the reason some things still eluded me.
So I felt into it all and realized that my mother was only guiding me into my true self, my true nature, unconditional love. I had always been so good at unconditional love. I could love all people even if they had done the most horrific things by societal standards. I was born that way, but something about my mother haunted me. I never even dared to inquire about it as my subconscious mind knew I wasn’t ready.
I was always so selfless and giving in the past, giving everything I had away to others. I would sacrifice my time, energy, and material items for anyone who needed them more than me. On top of all of that I suffered greatly over the years as I felt all the pain and sadness in the world, wrongly believing that if I could just get it right I could heal more people and eventually heal the world. Wow, what a joke, now it’s funny, but it was my ego’s way at survival. Delving into this even deeper the world meant my mother and father.They were my world when I created these beliefs. I wanted to save them and since that didn’t work, I sought to heal the world.
The self sacrifice and never placing my needs first really began to wear on me in recent times as I noticed I felt so drained and no amount of energy I could expend would get me to the place I was longing to be. It’s quite hysterical now as I look back on it. I see it so clearly now, but when we are trapped by our pain we are stuck and it plays out in our lives in the craziest of ways.
So back to my mother’s comment and the series of events that lead to all of the realizations. I had been unknowingly giving my power away, not allowing myself to be the Goddess who was already in me all along that I had been hiding. So the text she sent about the fact that I was lying. Of course prompted me to defend my position with great force. This had created a blocking off of my love until I could figure it all out.
Looking back I had blocked off my love many times, but not understanding why. I could become so intimate with others, I have a knack for really feeling into people and for creating a strong sense of love, affection, and understanding, this was my gift. I had this intense love for others and I realized from the reflections that I received that others had not experienced this kind of love before. Then the love or the relationship would somehow slip into this self sacrifice issue that I had so I would distance myself and shut down. I was in a sense ignoring my own needs and self and so that played out in me ignoring others especially those that I cared for the most. And I thought my mother was ignoring me.
Intense right? Yes it was an up and down roller coaster for many years. So I had lied, in my mother’s mind. Let me say that after a month of processing and feeling it all I realized she was exactly right! My sweet and beautiful mother, what a gift she is. She, of course is only a reflection of me. The lie was hard to figure out. I had been lying to myself about the truth of everything which is unconditional love and anything other than that is surely a lie! Can you see it? Do you see the TRUTH, the only truth is unconditional love, EVERYTHING else is a lie.
Not to say this whole process of self discovery didn’t need to happen, it most definitely did. If I had continued on the way I had I would have surely kept blocking my love to myself and others and continued in my self sacrifice crusade.
She gave me two of the most blessed gifts, first by birthing me and then showing me in her own way that I wasn’t fully loving myself. I was lying by holding on to the story all these years. So I no longer have to block myself from my own love, I no longer have to live a lie. My whole purpose in life is to find the truth, to speak my truth, to be the truth of who I am. There is no way I could really live my truth holding on to that story so it all worked out, in the beautiful a miraculous way that life does. The Universe is all loving and amazingly beautiful and it lives within each and every one of us.
No one could give that unconditional love to me until I could give it to myself fully. Through the process of allowing myself to express my emotions and then see the humor in it all, I could finally surrender and let it all go.
The true miracle of everything is when I finally saw it. After about a month of thinking about how all I wanted was myself, to love myself, to be happy, and to let go of the pain it ended in the most beautiful dream I could have ever had.
I had been sleeping more than 12 hours a day, since I had just given up caffeine. So I woke up at my usual time, around 5am, and still didn’t feel well. I was still feeling some residual pain from the processing of the night before. I didn’t have anything else to do and could sleep well so I had the intention to finally let it all go and for the Universe to show me the answer. I fell back asleep.
I awoke with the most beautiful dream in my mind. It was my mother and I, holding hands, looking into the sky. What we saw together was the most breathtaking thing in the whole world. It was multiple rainbows in the sky. The sky was split into two halves, there were two realities heaven and earth, outer and inner, masculine feminine, duality. The two skies were merged with only a hazy line I could see in the middle showing me they were reflections of the same thing yet still separate. Each side had multiple rainbows. I had just about two weeks prior to this saw a twin rainbow in my backyard in waking life and it was the most vivid rainbow I had ever seen and it was right in my backyard! I still hadn’t processed enough at that point yet so it was a fleeting sense of joy, but I did realize it as God’s promise. So I knew it was coming for me. In the dream it wasn’t just twin rainbows on both sides of the sky it was quadruple rainbows!!!!
And you will never believe it, joining those two skies together was an enormous bright solid rainbow. Me and my mother, were finally joined together. We held hands and gazed at the glory of it all so happy, so free, so full of unconditional love.
I awoke with the message, BE IT! I knew exactly what that meant. I wasn’t really being it all along, being the Goddess within me, the Goddess that we all posses. The Goddess that the world is finally embracing within ourselves, within each other, the mother, the compassionate and loving space of gentleness that is oh so very loving that we all yearn for. This feminine aspect I was blocking myself off from and couldn’t really fully give it consistently to others because of this. Do you see the beauty? It’s so powerfully amazing, it has even taken several more days for me to process and integrate fully.
I am deserving and so very worthy of my own loving nature. To be with myself. To love myself unconditionally always. I deserve all the best things in life and I can finally say that with true confidence and laugh at all the pain I thought I had. It wasn’t truly me, but oh how I am so grateful for it all.
The rainbow is very symbolic and has been my guiding light since I was a little girl. I always knew it symbolized many things including unconditional love, happiness, abundance, prosperity, healing, it encompasses everything all in one and that is what I am one with all. Anything I distance myself from is just an aspect of myself needing more love. Look up rainbow in the dream dictionary, or several until you get the meaning behind what it means in a dream, when I say blessing that is an understatement.
The loving feminine beauty resides in us all we are longing to find it, it is true happiness and that is what I wish for all of you to discover by sharing my story.
I love you all infinitely till the end of rainbows!